Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Recently my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It is of the HER2-positive variety, an aggressive form that can grow quickly. Thankfully is caught quickly and she should make a full recovery after a year of treatments. So why am I mentioning this in my blog about SGA?

I am because it has to do with fear. I didn't realize that I am still afraid of losing my mother. My mom also has Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and when I was young she was in and out of the hospital frequently. I still remember the nights I would be woken up by the paramedics as they rushed my mother to the ER to save her life. I never knew whether she would be coming home or not. For a child that is very traumatic. Thankfully as medicine has improved so have my mother’s MS symptoms.

This new health concern of cancer caused my latent fear to resurface because as a child I didn't know how to resolve my feelings of fear and terror of losing the woman who brought me into the world at great personal risk. I still haven’t completely resolved these emotions but I have come to realize that there are things I can do.

First, I learned that I have to accept the fear as being real. Until I allow it to be part of my reality I cannot do anything about it.

Second, I learned I cannot hide from emotions. Whether I try to hide in work, in books or other forms of entertainment they are a part of me and as such cannot be avoided through activity.

Third, I learned that there are people who love me and want to help. The more I retreat from emotion the more I hurt myself by not enjoying the positive things in life like friends, family and wholesome recreation activities.


I started hiding within myself, which in the past has only led to bouts of depression. I am grateful to those friends and coworkers who have taken me aside in the last few weeks to share their concern and love with me. It has helped me return from the precipice of depression and start enjoying the little things in life again. I didn't even realize I was slipping. Thank you for helping me see the divine signatures in my life. 

2 comments:

  1. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you. Although I can't fully understand what you are going through as your mother undergoes these medical treatments, I do understand the fear and heartache of losing a mother. I know she will be on this earth exactly as long as she needs to be. And I know that through the saving ordinances of the gospel, we will all be reunited again. There is no greater blessing or promise than having our families forever. We all love you, Jacob, and we are fervently keeping your family in our prayers.

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    1. Thank you. It means a lot to know that I have family that loves me. And the reminder of the saving ordinances is always welcome.

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